shit, its whats for dinner

2003-08-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

whoa homies i havent written in a long time. a lot of things have happened. and none of it do i want to recall. life is interesting sometimes and well i have plently of things i can do but i dont. im stressed and shit. what the fuck can i say. life is interesting. haha. ok well. then laterz. ill write later. maybe i wont.

wellim on again, just cause i have to wait for the pdf thing and i want to do something. school is interesting. met some ppl and dont really have a great connection with them, just friends. u know. but not a bond. and i dont care enough to be like AHH work for it. u know, now im like if it happens it happens otherwise fuck it. i dont care. i really dont. im ok. sadly but truly im cool. ijust to be free sometimes and that is what i want in life. to be free. and i want a tatoo. i just need to find a design that i like and want stapled on my body and thats it. why is this pdf takin forever and a whole lot more. now that im in theater im like god what was i thinking?? i got a 7 on that quiz or i think. that means i have to work shit harder to get a good grade. ahhh fuck it hommies. fuck it man. i need a really funny guy to be my friend. cause i miss funny men. they kept me alive in my classes.

all those promises we make, well how ironic huh. i have dont nothin for my classes today. u know nothin. got smart now. well mostly smart. i want a man. hhhhmmmm i want a guy. haha i know. well damn why not

2003-08-12T15:53:00.000-05:00

ahh man. life is interesting isnt it? well i kept getting off yesterday and i fixed it today. it was a microsoft worm thng. it scared the shit out of me though. i mean really, what kind of motherfucking idiots do that in their spare time. psychos, man. well anyway. im bored. i know. well DUH. but still. u know school starts in 8 days. thats a whole week left of school. i havent shopped yet. i need to, like bad. shit my interview is tommorrow. i totally forgot. i wanted to buy jeans today. damn it damn it damn it. fuck it man. this sucks ass. ahh maybe kris has something i can wear. ohh pissin all over niss. my ass can do it. i can do it.

i was having a talk wit nijo and mathew today and nijo told me that chachu said that i wanted them to leave. which i would never have told HIM. the only person i have said anythin about this whole incident was cc. and i dont think she would have told anyone. so the only way he could have known was reading some of these blogs entires. so if he went into my computer and read what i wrote, in my journal, whatever dude.

ppl have this insane idea that takin care of them was easy. ppl have this insane idea that my dad doesnt have a temper. ppl have these insane ideas but i say to them u take care of appachan and ammachan for 2 weeks and then tell me what u think. everyone will have different opinions then. i love my grandparents but i love my parents. whatever my parents do ill be happy with. i dont make decisions in this house and my opinion is irrelavant, but if they had to ask im happy there leaving. after they came, i have not been able to leave this house. i dont want to be a mother. i dont want to sit and take care of ppl. thats not what im here for. im young and i have a right to be selfish. and i never understood WHY i had to take care of them. most of all, me. if u want to be truthfull they never took care of me. i never liked staying with them when we visited india. but i was exicited when they were coming bc it i thought i amma would regain some of her memories. but she wont. shes medicated most of the time. the only time amma is sullen is when she sleepy from her medicine. she doesnt know where she is. she doesnt understand most of the things goin on here. only appachan can. and he is stubburn and tellin him something is useless. and then what pissed me off is that they wake up and talk all nite. when mommy comes home, she gets pissed off anyway, and then she cant get sleep, she gets angry. i agree with her, she is human. and she is psycho. hey i forsaked things when they came here, and i did it with a happy smile. bc i love them. and i always will. but i am not a babysitter and i dont plan on being one. i dont regret these past few months. but i regret all the toil it has caused my family and not just MY family. all the cousins are at war. no one sees what we see. but if they took care of them, then i think they would.

2003-08-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

apparently i have to graduate in 5 years and not 4. thats ok i guess. i will def hear a whole u are like ur sister thing. but whatever. fuck them, rite. bored and pissed. great life. great life.

2003-08-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

fuckin pissed. damnit. one day i had to what i wanted and i couldnt do it. and i was sooo close. so damn close. if amy hadnt told me that it was at 12 and i had to call anty i could have gone. but know i have to sit at home and wait. i could be at the damn mall. why did she say 12. god ehh. damnit. 2 more days left. i cant do any of my shit. i need to do stuff too. fuck it whatever.

2003-08-09T23:21:00.000-05:00

DEATH
life been interesting and i guess thats why i havent written. but i needed to write bc this is my therapist. i dont need one. plus i am one (well in so many ways.)

ive been wondering about death. ive never had anyone i knew deeply die on me. ive never really wondered about it bc i have always thought of death as a partnership in the end with god. but i start on my athest phase i am forced to wonder, where will i go? i had come to the conclusion that the purpose of life is to live. there is no other meaning. you do what is neccessary to live. but then how does one die? do we find something out? do we find the meaning of life is something than we thought. bc if we are alone here, who chooses when we die. do we choose to die? do we say i want to die now? but then how many of us would be dead for that sake alone. sometimes i feel death standing at the door, staring at me. and i wonder who do u want? is it me? am i ready to die. granted i am young but i have not lived. but i have lived. who is to say what a life calls for. who is to say that every moment i have had, the bad and the good, doesnt make a life.

sometimes when i talk to amma and she is in her world, and proclaims someone is watching us, her mother, or her mother-in-law, are they really there? who is to say that they are not. what happens to ppl when they die? do they visit the living? but then wouldnt we have a million-gizalion ppl just watching our moves. would they be able to read our minds, or do they just watch what we do. religion gives you some of those answers. or does relighion give u a sugar coated world, so to satisfy our minds, to put our minds in ease? bc when u think about death, you get uneasy feeling that ur death in coming, which in the end it is. death in inevitable. the great hypocrisy of life. we are born to die.

why is death feared? if it is inevitable, why do we cringe at the thought? how do we know in this next second that we sit reading this our heart wont give out and we will die. or a tornado will come and tear this house apart and smother u in the ruins. there are no explainations that satisfy our minds. but religion tells us that god needed us. god needs us. then why then? why not the moment we are born, we moment that all the innocence in our life begins to fall away. life is about the ppl we meet and how they interact with others; the influences.

how are we chosen into the family we are? our parents have us, but how are we chosen to them.

it all comes down to religion. do we belive or do we not. is it for weak men who need to ease their minds of the truth which is that nothing exists and nothin is forever.

is life luck. its either fate or god? how do we know what we need. how do we know that we're not goin to be a lifeless drunk that is destroyed by the fools of paradise. is life like a game. with the seconds running out, and what we need not being giving to us, and the trick being to deal with what we have. do we win once in a while or when we want. are we winning bc we are living? but then in the end we lose? we all die. will we ever win?

why was i chosen to live in good house with the luxuries of life, while more deserving ppl are out there dying. but are they more deserving bc they have it lousier. but then do all the luxuries of life matter then. if death is ultimate end then what is the goal. what keeps us alive. what sustains our life. what is it that we need?

...game over...

2003-08-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

whoa havent written in a long time and well boredom has compelled me to write. thank god mommy is not here today, there was so much commotion yesterday and i need a break. so yesterday i went to pay tution and paid half of it and and went to kris to the pay her ticket. all then i left my wallet in her purse. and i didnt realise i lost it till when i went to the gap interview, i started looking for it. i guess it was good, except i noticed it before and then started freaking out. and i went to the interview, that whole thing about getting there early was crap cause everybody got there earlier than me, well not really but noone noticed. the interview was ok. i was makin shit out of thin air. haha. well then i called kris like 10 times and then i thought i left it at utd, so i drove there and then i end up at waterview and i get a hold of kris and she had it. AHHH. so then i drove back and then (i love gh) sat at her house watching unfaithful. whoa that was good. came home and i dont know what happened.

and now its today. i have a week till they leave. the way im thinking at least. haha. ok well i NEED to go shoppin. like major-a-so. haha. well then anyway. lll be back. back. bored. my hairstraightner is making wierd noices. i dont think it should be doin that. haha. ok well ill check on it later and then see what i should do. hopefully i can return it. hmmm. thinking about those cargos at american eagle. they were so cute. i want them. hmm. that pick esp. but will it match with everything. i want to watch oc tonight. it looks gay but got good reviews. i saw the clip and it sucked. loser might be able to go to austin and i have given up on those two, if u know what i mean.

ill write later. i need to grandma-sit.

2003-08-02T22:42:00.000-05:00

yea i saw cc!! i missed her and oh she had so much fun, man. ok well anyway, i just had some taco bell yum yum good, man. and i straightened most of my hair and then cc did the rest. it like too volumey u know. but i know when i sleep it will go down. ahah. yea i get to see merrin tomm. i missed her too. ehh that means i have to go to church ehh damn it. oh well daddy said that i could work sat and sun and well thats what i want to do anyway u know so its not that bad. and he said he didnt care if i went to church. i found out the date of the voyage. damn its a week later than expected. ohh sadness. that means i cant party as much. oh well this is what i figure. this is plan for school (money wise)
200----graduation money
-29--hair straightner
-24--mac foundation
=147-- for shirts
=100<200--for pants+acc

this is my plan for a money-conserving shoppin spree.

ok then tution..
if we do installment plans itll be 850.3 a month or 1275--from my parents account
and then 900 for books from my account. i have like 2000 in my account, so im covered when there gone. in a matter of speaking. oh well haha ok then ummmmm. damn kris makin me wake up 9. ahhhh "stop pissin over nissy, man."

then UT. HAHAHAHAH me and jess figured out how low cost it can actually be.
$35 dollars for gas and room
our plan:
8-leave
1-reach austin and eat
-6 look around ut and
7-eat
10- party
1-2 back to hotel
2-10 sleep leave
2- reach dallas

and then hw and whatever else...

of cource a planned schedule never works and but i would go insane if i didnt know what was goin on and what our plan was, it just makes me feel better. haha. ok well then. whatelse. school starts soon, man. ohh crapness crapness.

ohh man man i just saw all the hot guys damn that chris guy is hot. i need to tell cc about that. haha. MAWAHAHA!

2003-08-01T21:51:00.000-05:00

i opened up the yahoo page and saw astrology. i never read them in the morning, i read them at nite. which is hypocrtical in every sense. but still, what can i say. bttp-i want one to say ur day is gonna suck ass and then some. today for instance should have said that. i could never be a homemaker or have kids. and i have thanked my grandmother for reterating that point.

oh i had to republish my rules just cause they were about to go. i used to be a careful driver. one of those who let bygones be bygones, but not after the "truck" incident. its a long story and i hate to tell it cause i regret the fact that i should have done more to the truck. but this was my official warning..

this pertains to:
1. all the assholes who park too close to me
2. all the assholes who think its ok to be stopped in my lane while im heading toward you at over 50 just so u can make it to the other side faster
3. all the assholes who go under the speed limit
4. all the assholes who sit in a green light looking after their kids
5. all the assholes who talk on the cell phone and think its ok
6. all the assholes who think they own all the lanes on the road
7. all the assholes who freak bc it starts sprinkling
8. all the assholes who own a truck that sounds like garbage truck
9. all the assholes who think i need to listen to their music
10. all the assholes who wait until i fully reverse out of my garage and while im staring at them decide its time to honk
11. all the assholes who park halfway into my lane so that i cant get out
12. ALL THE ASSHOLES WHO CANT DRIVE
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!! PUNK ASS BITCH!!!!

it was a stressful day. other than fighting with amma, and cleaning after amma, and hearing appachan complain, and then hear pappa clearly state i was getting fat and then proceed me to clean the floor for the 4th time today, what did i have time to do? well i watched contraband tv. it was good, it was bernie mac and man is he funny and then some of boston public. very very good. well other than that, jess hasnt wrote me back in a while. ok. i will go shoppin tomm. there was something fishy about the way mommy said the date. so i questioned dad, and he said oh who knows, sometime next week. and then i remembered seeing 8th on the sheet. so now i know what mommy said was crap and she think im too dumb to know. but im not sure. there not packing any of their clothes or getting anything. there just doin what they always do. and the thing is u have to shop. its compulsory and ness. oh i have to buy that book for appachan. ohhh man. ok well tomm when im the mall. i cant wait. i need to release some of this built of stress.

2003-08-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

hello fuckin bored. i was gonna visit kris at work but then im too lazy and no ones home. and well boredom and laziness are friends in my world. well what else. i just saw the installment plan thing for school. if i can get that then i dont......i dont know i dont know. well laters hommies.....

2003-07-31T22:35:00.000-05:00

im am so fucking mad. its so unfair. i get to be ugly for the rest of my life. i hate glasses. FUCK IT. ahh why the hell cant i get contacts. i mean seriosly what a piece of shit. i dont get it. ahh MAN. i need some rock and not this shit. mother fucking bitch. i hate her sometimes. why cant i get it. bc i said so. thats not an answer. when i was young it 16, then 18 then when you graduate and have ur own money. ok well then ill pay for it. no. WHAT. i hate her. OHHHHHHH I HATE HER. god i just want to tackle her and smush her with a pot. fuck her. she can live her own motherfucking land. well see who gets married to some hoar. shell pay. she will pay. ohh its gonna a motherfucking one too. all this look after kids shit makes me sick. plz. ur kids will do what they want, get over it. u have absoultey no influence. in fact i do the opposite of what they from on. well see how lovely their life will be after i stop and do what i want. im goin shoppin tomm. fuck them all. i gonna have a good time too.

freedom doesnt exist, does it. no matter how old u are. u are never free. there is always something to do. someone to take care off, someones feeling u should think off, someone who somehow the matter of pure civilty and kindness while ud rather just fuck off and do what u want. and these coming days i will do what i want, when i want and get to live the life i really want to live so i can say im not a complete wuss, and jackwhore.

im fine now. i still reeling from the fact that they make me so mad. whatever fuck them all. i dont care.

i just read cw and he had a list of 100 things so, im gonna do that.
-------
1. i am a bitch
2. i hate most things about my life
3. i dont forgive
4. i always remember but its just that i like holding it inside more
5. i want to marry a rich guy since its not my choice
6. i dont love and if i do love u, then ur family, and then its out of obligation.
7. i dont believe in god. i hate feeling like my life is not in my hands, which is the way it is now. i blame myself for all things i did and then some. i dont need anybodys forgiveness to be happy. humans are faultfull.
8. if i could be what i wanted, id be a writer or learn how to spell
9. if i could what i wanted, i would spent the next year traveling the earth than sitting in a room trying to admire some professors book
10. i love to critique tv commercials for my own enjoyment
11. tv lets me be everything i cant be
12. i love to read, and was only stopped my parents who wanted me to read science books.
13. i know im not smart
14. i know im not stupid
15. i care about nature but the closest i come to nature is roadkill
16. when i get mad i get the hiccups and then i get annoyed and more pissed
17. my parents seriously annoy me and are completly hypocritical
18. i would rather see a hot guy walk out a crappy car than the other way around. now at least u know hes humble or going somewhere.
19. i love clothes
20. music is my life, and if i had some kind of talent whatsoever i would do it for ever
21. i never want to have a girl
22. i love men, but they dont love me
23. i always fall for ppl who are bad boys.
24. i will say i will never change to make friends, but i do.
25. i never had a "best" friend
26. i like ppl who are high rather than a preachers
27. i hate when ppl complain
28. i love to see me smile
29. i regret the fact that i didnt do better in school
30. i wish i just was and not is
31. i love to have intelligent conversations with ppl who love intelligent conversations
32. i hate ppl who talk about their sex lives
33. i have realized that nothin is forever
34. life never goes as planned
35. i was born in india
36. i would go back if i could..well if they had proper waste removal
37. i hate most indians
38. i want to be a princess
39. i love when ppl flirt
40. i hate ppl who sterotypically fit into molds
41. i love seaching for lyrics that fit my mood
42. i stay in a ok mood till something or someone piss me off
43. i would rather see a funny movie than a serious thought get-er. my life is serious enough
44. i would sneek out if i could find a way to jump out of and into a second story house
45. tees and jeans are my thing
46. i work to work
47. i have big hopes but they always fail
48. im a streetcorner psychiatrist
49. i was tvs mom in willy wonka and the chocolate factory when i was in 6th grade.
50. i want someone to save me but i know i dream too much
51. i get two emails a day and its both spam
52. i am pathetic
53. i would get high if i could
54. i love to day dream
55. i love sex dreams
56. i know im a failure and wait for death
57. i want to redecorate my room and my house
58. i am lazy
59. i hate ppl who are sick
60. i am always sick
61. i love to shop by myself
62. i love to be myself
63. i hate bush jr
64. i hate the fact that most of this country is dying but bush is fighting a needless war
65. i want contacts
66. ppl dont understand me
67. some pll think too less of me and they are not fooled
68. i want to be a moviestar
69. i hate when ppl tell me stuff i already knew
70. i hate when my parents compare me, the failure, to other more well educated kids
71. i want to get the hell out and get drunk
72. i love rereading what i wrote months ago
73. i blame the indian community/culture for all the things i have to suffer too
74. i just want to be happy
75. ill believe in romances till the day i get married
76. im always hungry
77. i have never broken a bone
78. i wish i put on my retainers when i was told too
79. i want to solve mysteries
80. i want to have a "gang" during college
81. im a pessimist
82. i think the osbornes are revolting and ingenious
83. i hate commotion and will do whatever needs to be done so commotion will end.
84. i dont understand the world
85. i want a new car, clothes, body and i know i will never get any of those things
86. sometimes there is too much to cry about to cry
87. reading about other ppls miserable life makes me happy
88. once i get in a sad, bitchy mood i will never come out till i sleep
89. i sleep to get away from my life
90. i always read other ppls blog
91. i started a novel
92. no one likes, it but i do
93. i dont believe in superstition
94. i could never go on a diet, i think ppl should like me the way i am, fat, ugly and stupid...bc i dont really think im that bad
95. any man would be lucky to get me, if i liked them
96. i always want to fix everyone
97. i love to show off
98. i love acting superior
99. i do think alcohol would answer some of my problems
100. i think most ppl should be crucified for their driving habits.(see my rules for further instruction)

2003-07-30T18:36:00.000-05:00

yelling yelling yeah just what i need. cry damnit. weep like i did. hell always comes around. hahaha.

2003-07-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

ok so anway its been a couple since ive really added anything here and its bc sometimes there is too much to write about and i dont know where to start. u know its really sad and really wierd. haha ok well anyway. got into a fight with mommy and realized how she really felt about me as her daughter. i realised i am a failure. yes im a failure. well great to know u too. there has been minimal contact with her. she was sorry afterwards and told me the fathers family crap. and its the stress that made her say that. but u see, i like freud. oh i agree with his theories, (except the last ones about sex). the things that you say out loud accidentally are things that u wanted to say for sometime and are ur true feelings. i cant change the way she feels about me. its sad to think like that but still its true and what can i do. i have come to understand the mistakes i made during high school and i know better. yet, i was a fool to think mother understood that 2. i dont need to compete with others. i know what i want and i know how to make that happen. i had a plan and it was ruined. i have learned the lesson. and now i know. she always estamating me to other ppls kid. "my heart was full of pain when u didnt graduate top 10." "my heart was full of pain when i realize that u are going to be like ur sister." i hate when they compare me to my sister. I AM NOT HER. i yelled that to her a million times. and well look what i got.
i love reading old blogs. its so much fun noticing how things got screwed up after u think they are goin to work one way. it was all the plans i had for graduation before it started. how screwed my plans got. nothin bad happened. i was happy. but still. i just read WILL I MISS HIGH SCHOOL? then i said yes. rite now, its feels like vacation. rite now i think not. im happy i dont have to see those ppl again. i thought i was gonna be free when school was over. but now i realise that freedom doesnt exist. i can say what i want. the actions of freedom dont exist. i will never either. i talked to mathews uncle, he so supportive. and i think, is it all fake. it probably is. one of those things that u say and u feel better. u feel the grace of god shinning down on u and u feel good for doin something good like that. yet still, it felt like somebody cared. and not just me. im the one who has to restore the family name. im the one. but as mother already knows im a fake, and a disappointment. as always, my dear prawlers of the night, once again i come to the conclusion that evil of me has worked wonders in the life of others. too bad there not enough courage to end it all, huh.

2003-07-25T22:15:00.000-05:00

instead of repeating all the singer/song i love i decided to be orginal and say all the ppl/ songs i think suck and a menace in society.
1. vanessa carton--ehh spit
2. shakira--u cant sing bitch. and straighten ur hair ahhhh.
3. staci orica or o or whatever--what a crappy song and plz could you look anymore orginal with colored hair and "fashionable clothes"
4. starting line
5. busta Rhymes Feat. Mariah Carey--have u noticed the video and the lyrics have nothin to do with each other. that is not geniusness. that is stupidity.
6. o town--god ehhh spit. im ashamed that i even watched the making of a boyband show.
7. Just Whitney--i love whitney houston. ill tell you now. but still whenever i hear the title i think just jack. hahah . haha.
8. michelle branch--i hate ur hair
9. j lo--the fact that ben affleck has bothered to sleep with that WHORE makes his rating as a human below 0.
10. pink-- u should hate ur hair.
11. kelly clarkson, justin g., the fat guy and the gay guy- haha yeah rite.

oh on the gaining weight thing im now 128. which is what i was long time ago. so whatever. i need to shop. i need to vent, which is what im doin now but still shopping would let me vent a bit more. u know. a lotmore.
u know after all i say about Christina Aguilera her songs are still addictive. i mean after hearing dirty dont u just want to throw urself on a pole looking for a midnite romp. well i dont. ehm. ehm. i almost want to add shania twain to my "lets puke together list" but she is pretty so i forgive her. ahhh goo goo dolls. i almost want too. ill do this later. im gonna read for a while. and think about what is going on in my life. god what is happening.

2003-07-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

ok well ive gained weight. ahh this is depressing. i feel sick like too much food sick . like i noticed i gained weight and then i ate some more. how ironic. i know. i need to check how much i gained weight ahh ill do it tomm. like i can see it in my face. i look disgustingly ugly. i need to like get plastic surgery ugly. ehh god im sick. i feel sick. like u know the feeling u get before u get sick. my ear hurted for awhile and then i sneezed like a million times. i was just like ehh god im sick. the moffats. ehhh god. i hate all these lovey dowey songs. sick sick sick spit. man. stupid motherfucking pop up ads. what the fuck does my guard do anyway. ok well nite. iwant some sleep.

2003-07-22T15:03:00.000-05:00

they are leaving on the 8th and coming back on the 25th. so that means 2 and a weekend more of partying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahha jk. im a good grl. modest and civil and nice. hahah laters.

2003-07-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

Oh boy... you checked "High ending strokes that go up into the air...". This is like a child in class holding his hand up high begging for the teacher to call his name. Likewise, you have a strong need for attention and you revel in the limelight.

Regarding letter size... you clicked "Medium". Because your writing is neither really tiny or really large, this aspect of your writing is not a significant piece of your personality puzzle. We know you are not as intense as those tiny writers and you aren't as "flighty" as some of those really large writers. So, you fall into the middle-of-the-road on this character trait.

Concerning the letter slant of your sample (slant reveals emotional outlay) ... you chose "Variation slant from left to right in the same sentence". This option indicates that you have trouble making decisions, and have unpredictable mood swings. And if you feel the least bit insecure, you're first tendency is to withdraw into your shell. Once you have solved the issue alone, you then can be social and again want other people's companionship.

Your life is an emotional tug of war. You could be described like a thermometer... today warm and friendly... tomorrow distant and cold, not wanting to be close to anyone.

Many writers with this writing slant experience health challenges that make maintaining focus, concentration and steady moods difficult.

Looking at the letter "i", you chose "i-dot is just about normal". This is a good trait to have, because it shows loyalty... a true commitment to stand by those people or ideas that you truly believe in.

Oh boy... the letter "o"... this is a very insightful letter. When you picked "Entry loops on the left side, but no exit loops on the right", you were telling me that you are deceiving yourself about something in your life... and you may not even be aware that you're doing it. But it's time to face the facts and get on with your life.

Excellent characteristic!!! When I asked about the shape of the tops of the humps in the letters "m" and "n", you chose "Vary between rounded and pointed". This is the best of both kind of thinkers. You can process information both in a cumulative/procedural fashion and also in a comprehensive/fast fashion. This means that you can adapt to the people around you. If you're with a slow talker, you can slow down and explain every detail. If you're talking to someone who only wants the "bottom-line", big picture facts, you can speed up your thinking.

This is an important trait! When I asked you how high the t-bar is crossed on the stem of the letter "t", you chose "Midway up the stem". This tells me that you set goals that are realistic, practical, and obtainable and that your self-esteem is good, but not super high. I would suspect you still have an aversion to taking too much of a risk and you'll hedge on the side of security.

The good news is your confidence is strong enough to leave a really bad situation and take those first key steps toward living your dreams. People that cross their "t's" in the upper middle are pragmatic and secure with themselves. But, there are still more dreams to achieve... so stretch yourself even more!

When asked how the t-bar ends, you chose "Knife point toward the right". This tells me that you are a bit of a smart-ass. Uhmm... sorry... the politically correct term is "sarcastic".

You see, sarcasm is a wonderful means of defending your ego. Often this sarcasm comes out as a wry sense of humor. People love that. But, if you're at all insecure, it can be directed at others and be a bit caustic and hurtful. Might I suggest that you bite your tongue next time you want to pipe in with a smart comment.

You told me that your t-bar is predominately located "Mostly right of the stem". This stroke means indicates a short fuse when you get upset. If all of your t-bars are on the right, it means you do have a problem with your temper. (However, there are many factors that could counteract this tendency such as small writing, backwards writing or if you learned to write English in India. If so, you might not be such a hothead.)

Concerning your y's and g's, you chose "Medium loop". This tells me that you have healthy physical drives... yes, that means both sexually... and in your ambition. So, you aren't a prude but you're not a slut either... you just "like" it.

When I asked you if the first letter of your signature was larger than the other letters, you indicated that it was. This tells me you have a strong sense of who you are and a healthy "ego". I mean ego in a good way... it takes an expanded sense of self-importance to get things done and demand the world give you what you deserve.

So, your larger letters in your signature indicate a tendency to show the world your self-assured and confident side. The larger the letters... the stronger the ego. If you want to know your full self-image, re-read the section on where you cross your t-bar.

--ok some of this is true. but all that other crap is shit. i dont have a short fuse. its medium. sorry my fuckin handwriting is wrong for me. ahh. anway. i need to write in the other one.

2003-07-20T17:31:00.000-05:00

READ THE LYRICS FOR TODAY--->
haha there so cute though. what can i say. i will later post the plumb boys dont cry. i just like the song, i dont know about the lyrics. haha. im just lookin at these aim away messages. its gets lonely.--I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas, used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "Your next" "Your next". Well they stopped doin that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals. BRB---If you want me to fall for you, you better get something for me to trip over.--Nobody is perfect. I am Nobody. Therefore I am perfect.--Tickets to a Brittney concert: $54hockey mask: $14a dozen eggs: $3egging America's pop-princess: priceless........haha talk to laters.

2003-07-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

the last few days of freedom
havent wrote in two days. ive been busy..like tremendously busy. i had orientation and go re-curfewed and well lets start with yesterday. me and loser get there and check in and listen to crap after crap after crap. well nothin interesting. none at all. whatever who cares. then we split up for lunch and then i enter this building and i was like whoa cause i had no one to talk to but there were so many ppl there. so then i randomly talk to this grl, who turns out to be cool, alica. we walk around and randomly join wierd clubs. had interesting coversations about music and then we met the rugby dude (who was totally not interested in me) but well he was HOT. ahahha. ok then we meet at lunch (which was sick) and see loser and we had a semi conversation with the otm members. then we went back and we were trying to decide if we should go to the nite thing and i told alica that if she went i would go. then we watched skits, which was pretty funny. then we split up and then split up again. and well ended up at the bio meeting and well ohh i saw jamie. but she was talking to pinks and well i left her alone and then i saw her at bio again. but i didnt get to talk to her. then we went home AHHHH finally at 4:30!!!!!! then me and loser went to sonic and had hot fudge sundas. umm. and then bought some more sonic and came home and then appachan and amma came home and then i talked to chachu and he was like lets go out. and by then migrane had evolved to something more. and more. and i wanted to just like rest. so i told MOMMY that i was goin out wit him. then we watched pirates of the caribean and it was good. and then we get in car and hes like oh i have a message. and then it turns out to be biju chachu telling him that my parents called him. and then i looked at hte time..it was 10:05. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. damn. i forgot about the curfew and i didnt think that the movie was over 2 hours long. and it was hell after that. blah blah. and then i came home at 10:30 heard crap and then stayed up all nite trying to figure out what classes i needed at what time and whatever else. so this morning i awake to more screaming and shit , blah blah and then i see alica and we talk. blah blah blah. then we split off and i actually dont want to talk about this anymore. lets just say that whenever i wanted a class i couldnt get it. and i had to do it many times, felt like a complete idiot and then almost pucked like 5 times and then had a went back to get the card( which looks disgusting) went to get the decal, locked the keys in the car. called dad and then chachu and ames and the dad picked me up and thats it. i cant say anymore shit. i just dont want to say anymore shit. i cant complain. its wierd. why do i have a pop up blocker that does not do its job. why?

2003-07-16T23:10:00.000-05:00

hello me! woke up at 1030 to screaming. i know, rough start. especially cause i had this dream about a tatooed indian (malu) ronk lover who was totally into me. it was a nice and dirty dream. i hate waking up from those. and then i did nothing for most of the day. started reading war and peace. it isnt bad. i just think its just a BIT too long. ohh but age of innocence. which i wasnt into AT all, got so good at the end. it was all deception and lies and society and how it pushes us to what is right even when we know what is. it was good. ahh anyway. i should sleep. orientation is at 8 tommorrow and ends at 5 OR 6. which means i should die in between those hours. so it was good to know all u folks. and just heard the band revis. whoa i want that cd. i wish i had a shit load of money. johnney cash was played on the edge and i was like ohhhh waht. cause im soory who knows who johnny cash if u dontknow country. and its an alt station. who cares. i need to make a new saying. like umm ronk. its means (all u ppl not in my head) rock and punk. i like rock but like punk, its ok. but i can stand it. i would hate to date someone who only liked rap or something. ehh ahh. i like everything. u know, its all up to mood. and u know im MOODY. baby.whoooooaaa hoo. ok not that much. i was reading all the past entries and i was like whoa u know i usually have the same tempermental attitude toward somethin. i cant find the damn song. what a piece of shit. ahhh man. this sucks ass. fuck it all man. fuck it all. i give up. ill hear it some time later.

2003-07-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

GLORY OF BANDs
i accidentally landed on some site, and now im listening to suicide machines. and their alubm. its punk. and me well not tat punk. but its ok. im trying to listen to mest. i think ive heard them before. i bet its punk too. umm. god this mest thing is taking a shit load of time. what the hell for?? ohh wait its a music video. ok well onto the matches. what are they who knows. but im guessing rock or punk. i want to hear some emo stuff. whoa i actually think this is somewhat good. i could like this. this is not too punk and alt enough for me. nice bass chords. shit man i just landed on some music thing wit a shit load of cool bands. ehh god i just saw a pic of vanessa carlton. :(. more like :(aaahhhhhh) fuck her and her stupid guitar. ohh this is how they screw wit ppl mind they give them pics of really cool stuff and then their like HEY man pay for it. well hey man FUCK ME. ok about to listen to wakefield. hmm. waiting, oh i cut of mest. took to long. i think all bands have some of thier music on their site. that way i can listen to it. u know what i realized, i like guys wit dark hair. and shit compared to guys wit blonde hair. why the fuck does it keep freezing up. man tis is shit. i cant listen to wakefield. why NOT. i might like them . no i will never now. i need to calm down and then ill be back. learning how to type rite. i will type rite. ok fuck it. im just let it think FOREVER. ehh no. i dont like them. but they are cute. its like blink 182. i hate that band. pansies and stupid morons with too much money. hello i just found the song i will dedicate it too jess, ok i send it too her. found a korn song that wil fit perfect for this mood. just heard some jawbreaker and now lookin at the burning penguins. i wonder if jess fixed the site cause i dont like the white writing. its too obvious. i dont care who did it. i just wanted to not completely steal her idea.

2003-07-15T12:25:00.000-05:00

boredom is me. ahh man im sleepy and tired adn bored. i didnt get enough sleep today. god gracious. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yawn. oohhh ouch. im bored. someone entertain me. i had a nice dream. but that wont come true will it? hmm i dont think so. i dont think so. i just dont fuckin think so. shit woman i bored. later

2003-07-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

i cant seem to write anything in the novel. im not as sad i guess. its a good stress reliever when ur sad. ahhhh :sex: this cracks me up. i wonder what life is gonna be like at college. im already dreading it but still what can i say. shit man i dont want to go. anita asked me if i was ready and i was like. getting ready for school isnt. i mean is it that different. i hope its not. i dont like change. i say amma today. just like usual. always yelling. and anty was pised at chachu and she was idiot. haha i was like whoa all moms are alike. man. haha. it was funny. she needs some sleep though. can u imagine working all night and the being awake till now. god let her get some sleep boys. whoa its hard finding cccc. what the hell man. hmm la la. i want to finish reading age of innocence. applying to cccc. whenever u see intructions, is it just me and say who cares. ahh this is boring the shit out of me. and JESS. i heard the dashboard confessional song and it good. not like damn but like i might want the cd. hmm il see. ok i applied. haha bored. laters. ppl

2003-07-14T12:09:00.000-05:00

i stole this from ash's journal, so its really from blurty.

Name: nissy
+Age: 18
+Birthdate: May 17, 1985
+Interests: music, men, politics...hello look at my site!

Series Two--Describe
+Your heritage: indian
+The shoes you wore today: shoes are restricitve..my toes like to be FREE
+Your hair: curly below my shoulders
+Your eyes: black
+Your fears: ppl
+Your perfect pizza: ummm round. haha. oily, pepperoni, HOT peppers, cheese,
+One thing you'd like to achieve: piss my sister off

Series Three--What is..
+Your most overused phrase on aim: hahahahah.....haha
+The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hahhaha...BODY...arms....smile
+Your best physical feature: eyes
+Your greatest accomplishment: suriving to be an adult without killing other ppl
+Your favorite article of clothing: my fourth grade carrollton elementary shirt. i still fit into it..hahah.. how fat was i?

Series Four--
+McDonald's or Burger King: i hate hamburgers. but u can get ice cream at mc d'...
+Single or group dates: lets not go there
+Adidas or nike: a shoe is a shoe, who the fuck cares man. and they both support child labor. so neither.
+Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: not a ice tea drinker
+Chocolate or vanilla: AHHHH chocolate!!!

Series Five--Do you...
+Smoke: definately not
+Cuss: certainly to an excess some would say
+Sing well: I probably have one of the worst voices ever, but that never stops me.
+Take a shower everyday: every morin when i wake up
+Have a crush(es): well, yes vin d. in reality no.
+Do you think you've been in love: i say it doesnt exist
+Want to go to college: i wish not but unfortunately i will be attending utd.
+Like high school: no! but senior year was fun.
+Want to get married: yes to vin d.
+Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: as a matter of fact, yes I do.
+Think you're attractive: sure, why not?

Series Six--In the past 3 months, did/have you..
+Drank alcohol: wine but ehh spit.
+Smoked: negative
+Done a drug: no
+Made Out: lets not go there
+Go on a date: yea
+Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i havent had oreos in forever.
+Been on stage: no
+Been dumped: no
+Gone skating: negative
+Made homemade cookies: whats wrong with packaged cookies???
+Been in love: yes. with vin d.
+Gone skinny dipping: WHERE!!!
+Dyed your hair: whats wrong with being orginal???
+Stolen anything: I don't steal

Series Seven--Have You Ever...
+Played a game that required removal of clothing?: now i want to play.
+Been caught "doing something": lets not go there.
+Been called a tease: yea, I have been.
+Gotten beaten up: yes if ur sister taking pms out on u count.
+Shoplifted: NO
+Changed who you were to fit in: whats the point. u will hate them eventually.

Series Eight--The Future
+Numbers and Names of Children: 2 twin boys. jude, and james.
+Descibe your dream wedding: in jamacia
+How do you want to die: in a bed
+What country would you most like to visit: trinadad

Series Nine--Opposite Sex
+Best eye color: doesnt really matter. as long as u have eyes
+Best hair color: suprise me
+Short or long hair: u dont need hair, as long as ur dad has hair.
+Best height: taller than me. not a big issue. I don't want my face to be naturally staring at their crotch. (ash)anyway, it should be that easy.
+Best weight: more than me, PLEASE!
+Best articles of clothing: pants. hmm.
+Best first date location: Doesn't matter
+Best first kiss location: Again, doesn't matter if you're gonna kiss me ;)

Series Ten--Number Of..
+Number of drugs taken illegally: none
+Number of people I could trust with my life: no one.
+Number of CDs that I own: like 10. its sad and embarassing.
+Number of piercings: 2.. i will soon have 1 more, well when i get skinny so prob in like 5 years.
+Number of tattoos: none, but soon i will have one.
+Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: never. im not commendable
+Number of scars on my body: 3. one from falling off the bus when i was 4, one from cutting with a blade(unintentionally) and the other one is still a mystery.
+Number of things in my past that I regret: grades

Series Eleven--Right Now
+Wearing: shorts and my senior shirt
+Eating: air
+Listening: sarah harmer.."weakened state"...its on moontaxi.com---good free music.... Andy Stochansky.."here not there"
+Thinking: i need to help dad with lunch
+Watching: nothing
+Date: july 14th, 2003
+Time:12:00 pm central Time

Current Mood: havent decided yet.
Current Music: coldplay. always. parashutes...so much better than the second one.

2003-07-13T21:09:00.000-05:00

i hate when ppl yell for no reason. mom was watching that STUPID swiss whatever the hell and i changed the channel and shit followed. and then during alias i changed the channel to see what was on L&O and they fucking screamed. what psychos. and THEN a COMMERCIAL come on, and mommy said some shit and papa got mad. ididnt do anything. it was COMMERCIALS. and then all the shit about ohhh ur the worst kid in the world. all u ever do is sleep, tv, and computer (which is a new addition to the shit list). what the fuck. yea u wanna know why im the worst kid. yea its bc i have 4000 dollar violin and that i could never play a song. hell i played. u never fuckin listened. is that my fault. ehh and then about the plants. i have no interest in nature. no what so ever. i dont fuckin care what plants go outside inside this fuckin house. i dont care about getting some sunlight and fresh air. i have no interest in those things. im not u, u freaks. go suck a dick for all i care.

2003-07-13T14:46:00.000-05:00

ahhh man im bored. i want to do some stuff to the site. well more than this but im sleepy. i was goin too sleep before but i thought id check it out, but now im very sleepy. later. what do u think of the lyrics?

2003-07-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

ahhh, finally i have completed the basics of this site, which is so relieving. ahh what a pain in the ass though. although this one kicks mucho butt compared to the last one. i worked so damn hard on this too. well hard. not that hard. had dinner with wit the parents. i love chicken crispers. yummm. oh i went and applied at gap. they said they would call and get a interview time, which is awesome!! yay. and yay for new clothes. and MAJOR NEWS. my parens would let me go to austin. but i said no. i would go to austin for like a visit. nothin more. and PARTY, of cource. i want to go to A&M. they are affiliated with the dental school in dallas so maybe i have a chance of makin it in. u know. she said i had to get good grades, so im wondering if i should overwork myself. damn me for being so over ambitious. brian mcknight. ahhh..... ok anyway. damn its getting late.

ok well this crap is addiciting. u know anyway. i am so tired and COLD. this house freezes up so fast. damn it. chache and chachu said they were goin to nj. and well thats cool. i dont want to go wit them. maybe wit like cc but not wit them. psycho couple HELLO! and help. please. im happy. i might have found a job and i got this thing fixed and well happy happy happy. hahah jk anyway. haha nite nite

2003-07-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

welcome to my NEW ghetto fabulus site!!!!!!!!!!! whazz up?

2003-07-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

yes what i thought was goin to happen happend. lifeis mother fuckin whore. damn it. to tired to do this all over again today. ill do it tommorrow. later. hmmm do i want to. hmmmmm hmmmmm

2003-07-12T00:04:00.000-05:00

ok u know those ppl who do things to an excess. i am one of those ppl. i was messing around with my stuff trying to figure out to archive properly and well i cant seem to correctly do it. and i used this one as a what u call a tester and im pretty sure i deleted most of my crap. well its ok. i guess. shit no its not. i worked fuckin hard on this shit. i wonder if i really did do that. i am such a loser. ahhh ok well i heard gap is hiring and well im goin to apply. i goin to apply. haha i hope i get the fucking job. i need some money. it was good to talk to kris again. and to see that she wasnt mad at me or anything. i dont know. well anyways. i dont know how it would be working with her. im totally gonna ask for cash wrap. i hate anything else. god forsake me if i have to sell. shit man i hate that. i hate my life sometimes. but not now. i know the fact that i just destroyed my blog is bad yet im happy to say it will give me something to do all over again. ohhhh NOOOO my beau men. those pages i never saved. damn me. ohh my vin d. i know where he is though. haha i know. LOSER. haha. ok its still not showing up. ohhh i bet its goin to show up when i re post this. damn me and my stupid agressiveness. DAMN ME. i couldnt write today. dont know why, just dont feel like it, i guess. ok well what else, ok im curious. im goin to check if that is what happened.

2003-07-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

ok helllo boredom has beguiled me. damn it. i need some friends who dont have a life either. damn u other folks. ok anyway. i looked at the pic of vin d. and damn that just made me feel like 10 times better. ohhh man. i used to wonder( when i has school) what ppl would do on the computer at nite. as these past days have come before me. i realize that there is endless things to wonder and ponder while ramaging thru this vast endless ocean. whoa this song is nice. (Todd Thibaud). already gone. how sad. i feel for u man. i want to get into some indie atrists. and some low key. because i missing so much shit listening to all the same shit with 2 chords and monotonic theme of love and repression of society's nature. i want to hear something new and fresh and open. and wanting this, i see that i cant do that wit out money. so i am again pushed back into the lame of society and screwed to listen to 50 cent. which by the way i bought of sheer wonder. i have to say if u wanna have a midnite party to urself, listen to it. but do not buy it for (haven) to continuing perplexity of how rappers who were thugs lived who were poor who were shot who were and continue to be idiots. please do not bother urself or money. whoa my eyes hurt like macho badly. wonder why? anway i want to do my eyebrows tomorrow. then i want to pick up mom stuff. since there rite next to each other. i will do them. i have forgotten about god and i keep reading some stuf about god i snicker. what a load of crap. what is this? ok well i want some sleep so nite.

2003-07-07T19:52:00.000-05:00

ok grl i wont. ull be there for a llifetime. well at least till i destroy it. thanks a bunch.

2003-07-07T18:39:00.000-05:00

k it should work now. lookie jessica is posting in nissys blog. whoo hoo! im so cool. you better not delete this either nissy.

2003-07-06T23:14:00.000-05:00

so i fucked up the blog out thing again. JESS. i need u.

2003-07-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

WHAT ARE SOME GREAT BOOKS?
i was watching my nite time soap opera, ok it was gimore grls. it was on re-run. those eay view things. and i was like damn i want to be rory. ok i wasnt to be her intellectually. u know. that knowledgeable about books. a book conesuir. i want to be that. i wish i could spell, that might help. i was reading cw things and well when a man is rude and has the capability to write, it makes things interesting. u know. u tend to like people who are straight and to the point. so today im goin to find some books that are classic or whatever, to read and read them. u know. just read. i want to be well read. i dont like those people who say books "what are they. haha god i hate them." so im goin to read books which are keen to my interest. ok well im happy. so i need to find some books.

2003-07-03T22:50:00.000-05:00

im feeling down. i dont have to wonder why. but still i need to write. it all started with this appachan and amma thing. i dont know how i feel about it. and no matter how bad i feel and think they should stay, it makes mommy so mad and sad. what can i do. i want to leave also. but then what would she say. that i was leaving her, abadanoning her. what could i say to her then. i cant ever have my own life. i know that. i wont. ive come to accept that reality. but then i wonder hows it gonna be. i dont want to stand at her funeral and be like she worked so hard for us. and look what it brought her. i understand she is a maniac. i do. but still she is my mother. what else can i do to her. it seems like this world is ending for me. life and work. and then what. i dont what anything. i dont. i want to live myself and then alone forever. i dont like to see. i dont like emotions. i dont like anything. i dont want anything. as i get older, my heart it gets stronger and it gets better equipt to push that barrier away. i dont want to live like this. but u know me. what can i do. hmm life is interesting. i understand that im instructing my heart that it should be shut off. i dont want it. but its like all the things just keep pointing to it.

2003-07-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

whoa life is boring. now that i dont have work or anything. i sit here and do nothing. i am bored. dude. i dont know if im going to india and well i dont know whether i should or not. im split rite down the middle about the g-rents. i want to go to india so i can see all my family and lose weight. cause if i dont i will have to work out here. cause i gained a shit load of weight. and well i dont want to work out. and the thing about them leaving is sad. i dont want them to leave on certain levels. ok i think the apartment idea is really stupid. what if they need something. whats goin to happen. i dont know. i just dont know. i mean seriously. but i hate the my parents are always so tired. and then what the hell should i do. i cant do anything. ahh then about work and money. i mean i need clothes for school and well how am i gonna get them if i dont work and then what will work. the thing is, this isnt my decision i make no decisions i just sit here and do nothing.

2003-06-28T12:35:00.000-05:00

ok last day of work and im HAPPY heheh ahh life what sweetness u bring to me. ah by the way i found out that the day i worked was the day that they got the 64 on the secret shopper. what crap. hahha. life u bring to me my knees. i think im bipolar. but since i didnt get to say anything to managers i will tell them now.
lanessa- ure the only i liked. of cource u were crazy and psychotic yet i depended on ur strictness and aniality sometimes. of cource thats why there trying to kick u out.
wes- asshole i hated u from the begg when u wouldnt let me do what i wanted but let others do what they wanted. so asshole fuck you. but the later part of our expierence i got ok wit u. i never hated u. u just annoyed me...
jason- in the begg i liked u the best. u were sweet and adorable. but lately u have acted like a incredabile asshole and fuck u for that. ur incredible attitude can just go fuck up a tree.
sal- ahh my dear judegemental, exaggerated piece or work. FUCK ME!! asshole

i had more to say to him but im hungry. damn it. good thing is i can gain weight and then go to india and lose like a lot of weight. ahahahahha YES!
LATER

2003-06-26T22:27:00.000-05:00

HELP
ok i just read someones blog title and it was like sweet sixteen. and what shit. what the fuck is(was) good about being 16. it was another crappy year in my wonderful fucking life. i mean serioulsy. shit man what the fuck was my life. i mean my all means its not over as u can see. but to this day. i hate every moment of this life and every moment of my life is spent crowding in front of the tv or crowding in front of the grandparents or doing in this life for someone else. i feel like i am doing something for someone else. but this life is for me. i need it to be for me. this is for me. right the man i know i will spend the rest of my life with. am i sure? no im not. so then what am i waiting for. and this is it. this is the big thing. i want someone to love me. i NEED someone to love me. but then in all seriousness how open was to realtionships. none. apparently i was a moody little bitch. i understand that. i agree with that. but i need someone else. i want someone. i want to be open and understanding and wanted and sexy and cute and i want guys to talk about me in that way i clearly say is sick and perverted. but i want to be that grl. and i cant seem to. i want to so bad and i cant seem to. i feel like a waste of time. a waste of energy that was put on earth to serve someone but me. to serve the unrelentless mother and father to serve thier dreams which i want so bad to mine and now it is. the older i get the more i want a good job and a great husband and a million little kids surrounding and i want to be wonder mom. but i cant seem to seperate all the feelings i have for my future and all the feelings i have for love. is it wrong for me to want to love to crave to talk to someone. i dont think it is. i really dont. i want a million things for my future, and what is stopping me. the fact that i have to come home at 10. i want to be a kid. this does really feel like a prison. and i want a million things for my life and i feel like i cant expierence these things because i have a perception to uphold. i feel like this is crap. i want so many new expierences. i need to learn to love myself. i need to remember all these things i dont have to give to my kids. and i need to be thankful for all the things i do have so that i can be a person. but i need things too. i guess. already i want
a great life from tomorrow on. i will change what happens from a disappointing thing into a great event. i will change what i have too. i need a better life. i will not ruin my life for the revenge on my parents and what they think i will be. because i will be great. because i am great. i have the ability to do anything. i will succed. i will. I WILL. DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-06-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

why cant i find some lyrics that just say i want kill u all. what is that so damn diffcult. so instead i will make up some

here in this prison
of brick walls and white painted walls
and topped off with a garden
i sit here in the front door
the ankle bracelts are tying me down, thats why i cant move u see
tiring after trying so hard to be set free
the chains keep hardening
there hurting me why cant u see
these flowers are not sweet u see
they bite and speak all ur evils to the man who waters them
these bricks are not 3" tall u see
there 100 feet tall, casacading into the sky.
thats why even god cant see me
didnt u know. im forsaken in this land of mine
what saves me, no one and nothing...pain and me are friends u see. were close. and together we live in harmony.
air itself is small but
death i wait for.
but this life is never ending u see.
these years are the tales of the moon driven lifeless me
all the dreams are gone slowly
the dream is dreamt and life is not what u expected. it is not enough. but what can u do, when they have already bound u.

2003-06-23T22:59:00.000-05:00

death seems to easy and too far away.

2003-06-20T17:45:00.000-05:00

ok so here i am in this world. i wanna listen to my cds really bad. hahah ok. i will rite now. ok i will later. anyway. life sucks. im gaga for some stupid guy. ahh life whata hole.i just asked jess to slap me. i think i need some slapping. like hard core. WHAT THE FUCK ARE U DOIN? u stupid bitch. ahhh anyway. ok anyway i will later. gator i need some sleep and need to wash my clothes. later. later. later.

2003-06-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

im gonna find a quote or lyric..in the next fuck 1 hr. no 30 min i dont really want to see leno's jokes.

2003-06-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

NEW ADDITIONS
i was ramaging thru all the latest blogs and i have an idea for a new thing. a quote or poetry which is funny cause i always add something new to this site. 9729779050. hmmm new ideas coming to me.
1. poetry
2. presidental canditates
3.
im thinking. yes dear lord im thinking.

ok i stopped reading at gephardt but....
my opinion on:
howard--i dont like his universal health care plan
edwards- ok but too much crap along with his stuff
penna--is not on my list, theres just NO chance
gephardt--i dont like the fact that his daughter homosexuality is major factor into why he is a good candidate
graham- not too interested from reading the front
kerry-ehh i dont know yet
kucinich- i have to say from reading his blog, i was most interested and most likely to read his issue stance again
larouche- i didnt even bother goin there
lieberman- not on my list, i just dont like the guy
moseley- shes on my list cause she is a woman and she is black who is daring enough to run for president. but she wont win.
sharpton- moralist...please. i dont even bother

2003-06-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

POE
im in a poe of a mood. those two songs are completely opposite. i feel them both. so WHAT??

"Angry Johnny"
Poe
______________

Johnny, Angry Johnny, this is Jezebel in Hell
I wanna kill you

I wanna blow you...
Away!!
I can do it to you gently
I can do it with an animal's grace
I can do it with precision
I can do it with gourmet taste
But either way
Either way
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you
Away
I can do it to your mind
I can do it to your face
I can do it with integrity
I can do it with disgrace
But either way...
I can do it in a church
I can do it any time or place
I can do it like an angel
To quiet down your rage
But either way...
I can do it in the water
I can do it on dry land
I can do it with instruments
I can do it with my own bare hands
But either way
Either way, you know where it stands
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you
Away
Where did your pleasure go
When the pain came through you
Where did your happiness go
This force is running you around now
Getting you down now
Where is your pleasure now Johnny
Where has your pleasure gone now

"Hey Pretty"
Poe
_____________

Well it's 3 a.m. I'm out here riding again
Through the wicked winding streets of my world
I make a wrong turn brake it now I'm too far gone
I got a siren on my tail and that ain't the fine
I'm looking for
I see a stairway so I follow it down
Into the belly of a whale
Where my secrets echo all around
You know me now but to do better than that
You've got to follow me
Boy I'm tryin' to show you where I'm at

Hey pretty
Don't you wanna take a ride with me?
Through my world
Hey pretty
Don't you wanna kick and slide
Through my world

Well I've got a mind full of wicked designs
I've got a non-stop-hole in my head-imagination
I'm in a building that has two-thousand floors
and when they all fall down
I think you know it's you they're fallin' for
I can't forget I am a sole architect
I built the shadows here
I built the growl in the voice I fear
You add it up but to do better than that
You've got to follow me
Boy I'm tryin' to show you where I'm at

Hey pretty
Don't you wanna take a ride with me?
Through my world
Hey pretty
Don't you wanna kick and slide
Through my world
Hey pretty
My pretty baby
Rockin' through my world
(my world)
Hey pretty
my pretty baby
Rockin' through my world
(my world)

Hey now
Can't you feel me longing
(Do you get the gist of this song now?)
Hey now
Can't you feel me?
(feel me)

Hey pretty...
Hey pretty hey pretty baby my pretty baby hey pretty baby don't you
Wanna take a ride with me... (my baby)... et cetera.

Do you get the gist of this song now?
Do you get the gist of this song now?

2003-06-17T14:19:00.000-05:00

Lori Johnston, Tel: 972-883-2500

2003-06-16T23:34:00.000-05:00

I LIKE HIM. WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO. I DONT KNOW.

2003-06-05T12:56:00.000-05:00

BOREDOM
ok totally bored. hmmm hmmmm hmmmm i need to do something. i need to do something. what the hell ppls what the hell. ill write more later. later i say. i will talk to u and die.

2003-06-04T22:52:00.000-05:00

THE KILLERS
im listening to madame butterfly. its so sad. but i feel like theres some killer behind the rooms lurking. have u ever noticed that all scary movies put operas when ppl are being killed and stabbed numerous times. its vicious. and u see the blood spurting out. ahhh ehhh ahhh ehhh dont kill me, please please ill do anything. dont kill the baby. then u hear the evil laugh...(hahahahah) and then scream AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and then its over. so anyway. u know how u sit in front of the tv and just blah out. i, on the other hand to securely assure myself that my brain wont degress and die, sit and comment constantly on the commercials. for instance, the funniest commercial, by far, are the diet dp commercials. the funniest--the retirement ppl (making fun of the village ppl) --"its cool to eat at 4:30 pm." and the jaguar commercials. ahh sexy. and the vicoria secret commercials, dear god id fuck those woman. ill start my list tommorrow. anyway thats it for tonight. vin d, im still here for u. come dream wit me, cc......id do u too if it wasnt for all that cousin thing and all.

2003-06-04T14:57:00.000-05:00

BORED AND TIRED..SLEEP REQUIRED
ahh ok bored. what the fuck ppl. why havent i found a job. i mean i am seriously thinking about moving out. i was thinking. picture this. waking up, when u want to and not when medusa and the sidekick decide its time for me to. what a dream. hmm oney is the only thing holding me back. hollla senora what the hell shouldi do. im bored. someone awake me.

2003-06-03T18:40:00.000-05:00

I HATE THIS FUCKIN LIFE
another fucking day in this lovely shit hole. ok mother of god my life sucks. i cant have a moments peace. god this sucks. i need a life and i need a life. eh this is fuckin driving me insane. i cant do anything. i have to sit with my grandmother and watch her. and i have to cooking and cleaning. and thats it. i cant do it. i hate this fucking life. i cant touch with civilization. he yells at me for sitting in front of the tv and wacthing it. well hello what the fuck else am i gonna do, asshole. i cant leave. he told me to get a fucking job. i was like thanks for that. what havent u been noticing that i havent been able to find one. what the hell do u think i sit here for fun. do u think u provide some kind of intellectual stimulation. what the hell moron. no u fuckin dont. i dont like this fucking life that u have created to me. and dont say all that shit. what the hell is that. u yell at me for waking up and 10. so what the hell. im supposed to wake up what 8 and do what. what the hell would i do. im not some fuckin house keeper and i sure as hell am not some fuckin maid. ehh god they make so fuckin mad. what the hell is their problems. i dont care how lucky i am. i need a fuckin break. and fuckin head hasnt stopped hurting for the past 2 days. i told him yesterday it hurt. and theres still fuckin tylenol in the house.

2003-05-30T11:46:00.000-05:00

MAVS, THE LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL, AND FINDING A J-O-B.
and so the mavs lost, sadly i was expecting that, but i felt it was my honorable duty as one who knows nothin about all sports to support them. hmm anyway. hows life. last day of high school. wow it was really just amazing. really no. umm i sat in eco reading george step. whatevers "all too human." interesting. i think. and school got over and everyone was whooo i was like cough cough COUGH COUGH..breathe... stupid allergies. whatever. u know all my plan to do all the right things and shit has turned to be a piece of crap. u know. its like ppl keep changing thier minds and i dont know what to do. just make up ur freakin minds plz. cause i have problems also. like should i actually wear the halter to graduation. i mean seriously. what should i wear. ahhh sadly, this all depends on my credit card bill. so while waiting in traffic i called them up, but it kept telling me i had a balance of 380 and i could spend 8 dollars more. that DOES not make sense. so somethin is wrong. what is it. i dont know. i dont know. i decided that i prob shouldnt get my nails done, i really dont need to spend any more money that i already have. i mean this weeks paycheck is what ahh 0. but for the sake of sakes, i dont know. u know carlos looks better with his haircut. random i know. um whoa summer has officaly started. i think ill head to the library and check some books out. it doesnt seem like i have a job, sad sad sad. ohh ok check on that. hmmm halter or not to halter. i need a date. i said that yesterday. yet, i need to keep busy. this year was a waste of my time. a total waste of my time. ahh ppl. god or than bio what did learn. nothin and even in there what did i learn? barely anything. still ill miss that class. it was interesting. the wide variety of people. how we all got to know each other, but we still hated most of us. coach wrote i was serious. haha about what. well ok maybe..holdup on the phone. hmm waiting waiting crappy music dude. damn it.. one hope down the flushes..hehehe jk...not giving up yet. sometimes this computer is so damn slow. ehh i think there somethin wrong wit the page. ehh la la la la la la la ohhh lala ohh my tongue hurts. i think i bit in my sleep.god bored..finding a job is such a pain my ass. u know as im talking on the voice. i realise that my voice sounds like a guy. what a freaky thing dude. wow wow. i need to concentrate on getting a job. i will find a job i will find a job. ahhhh I HEAR BIRDS..WHY DO BIRDS ALWAYS HAVE TO PROCREATE IN MY CHIMMNEY!!!!!!!!

2003-05-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

SOLATIRE, SPACE COWBOYS AND THE CONCEPT OF LOYALTY
hahahhhahah listening to the space monkeys hahahahah whoa....anyway. what is up my ppls. me ...dazed. im in a blond of a mood( stereotypical sense of the world). so anyways brr brr im hot. i know. its funny. cause most people. im losing in solatire. hmmm errr ....the mavs are playing today. i have realized something about that. i go forwhoever is winning. i dont have loyalty. ok none (in sport teams sense) the cowboys were winning yea go them...mavs who.....stars were winnning mavs who...mavs who...stars didnt even make into the second set of playoffs..hmm mavs gooo. hey guess what i still support them. i support all of them. i support the the ahh whoever they are the arena football thing. i dont know who they are but still. i support any dallas team. i am a native dallasan, so kiss my ass if u dont like how i change my loyalty. ok kiss it kiss it.( / ) hmm how do u make a but?? i dont know.hmm anyway..hehehe hows life..im ok....i feel like getting into a intellectual conversion with someone. mostly me is out of it..ehhh men .... i hate him. i seriosly, i was like can u any more of a jackass...anyway...random i know...FUCK U. i got it all out. i need a date. hmmm flirting this weekend. ohh fuck this weekend is my GRADUATION heheheh hahaha hahaha hahahah. garbage what a good band. god what happened to them. they were insane deep thinking sex music...and now where are they? nobody interesting is on. solatire is so captivating. damn. u get such an urge to win....!!!!! I WON I WON..do i want to play again. no. im in the process of finding a new life, sorry not that pathetic. hehehe ok anyway. uhhhh im gonna play goldfish.

2003-05-27T11:45:00.000-05:00

AT SCHOOL
ok so now im at school and im kinda worring about the eco paper. damn it i forgot i had to make two copies. stupid stupid i think i even wrote on the paper that i was supp to do that. hmmm anyway. what else what else..ok pinning is at 8 and im out with jess all day. hmm anyway. so like fri is taken up with getting my nails done. YAY. hehehe...ok im thinking of asking asha and anita and amy to do my makeup for the graduation. hmm yea. ok anyways. hmmm bored....

2003-05-26T22:42:00.000-05:00

RECAP MY WEEKEND
OK. today is made of shit. not really. lets recap this weekend. hmm ok fri nite i did nothin, i think. i cant really remember. but yesterday on the other hand was humerous. the "celebration" for us graduates was really quite emotional. many uncles and my fellow kiddos and my sister went up and talked. i was almost cried. i saw "him." and i think its over. no it is over. i fuckin graduated and well i heard no congratualtions. hey for his i wrote alot of shit. but anywas, then i went to jess b-day "celebration". haha jk. all or most of the ppls were drunk. i was not. and mehila and steven brought her a dog. it was so fuckin cute. i was like i want it. damn. but anyway, then we went to olive garden, and i had the lasagna. it was good. then we went back to her house. <10.00> then we sat around pondering all the things we could do. ghost hunting sounded fun. but then we choose to watch "bruce almighty" what a fuckin piece of crap. like seriously shit..pure shit. <10.45>anyway. ehhh bad movie. then when the sleep fest was over, i went home. hehehe <1.00> it was fun. holla hella fun. i put the car in the back and sliipped inside. no one knew. that means i can get away with more. hehe woke up at 8 and went upstairs and then woke up at 11. amma was crazy with her crying. i drives me nuts. god i need a break. then i did some hw. then cc and asha and anty came over. i had fun. and i saw her cousin. hmmm. i dont know. and then they left. i love my g-rents. but still, it would be nice if they did leave for like a week. i need a break. i know dad does too. her constant crying it gets to u. and she fuckin spits everywhere. EVERYWHERE. and u tell her no, and she says no i can do what i want. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ok plan for this week. i have no more chances to fix anything. this is the plan.

tues-pinning and go out with jess to get belly button pierced, starbucks
wed-work, shop for coach and my shirt
thurs-coach's dinner
fri-OPEN. fix any last minute details
sat- lunch at saltgrass and leave for grad at 5-------party hopefully
sun- FUCKIN FREE MAN!!!!!!!!

ahhh this is goin by too fast. im gonna miss it so much. god one step toward my life huh? ahhh man. wow the vines did a remake of sorry ms jackson. wowowo scary. its wierd man. wierd.

so the main question:
WILL I MISS HIGH SCHOOL?
rite now, i think yes. but who knows. who knows. ill tell u when school is over and when school starts again.

2003-05-24T22:28:00.000-05:00

HE WHAT
i just found out that gay j smokes. whoa whoa im sorry is it just me who thinks its hella funny. i mean seriiously ppl. he smokes...john smokes...now i can remember all those days when i was in class with him and he would proclaim about he was true to his personality and all that shit.and no one liked him in middle school but now ppl like him. dont fit the mold man. god hes gonna be a doctor. wtf ppl..wtf...

2003-05-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

ok im been trying hard to figure how to do this and well i fucking give up. if anybody knows how to make the shout out move to the bottom by "posted by" ....plz tell me. i cant figure it out. man this totally sucks. shit. ironically put it on the shout out. but anyways (dont want to be totally ungrateful,) jess thanks a bunch for actually getting it on the page.

2003-05-22T23:31:00.000-05:00

THE DUDE AND WALRUS
so tomm is senior day. i have to say im quite excited. yes dear god i know im gay but still i cant wait. acutally most of this new euthanism deals with the fact that i have a new camera. funny thing happened when i went to buy the camera, the dude who was selling was like "dude this is like my first week and i dont know shit. so like sorry man. i mean at least im being honest." (add evil laugh) and then he went back to the counter and was like "whoa i really hate not knowing this stuff." i was forced to wonder, no actually i would have to liked it if u had just made some shit out of thin air. its like when woman in the dressing room ask me "do i look fat in this" well hello ms. WALRUS ahh yea. but u say NO NO no. i actually think it makes u look skinner. lie to their faces and there happy. im happy when ppl lie to me. i mean plz serously i DONT CARE. hmm later.

2003-05-20T17:44:00.000-05:00

INANE DRIVERS AND CONE
as i was driving today, it reminded me to republish all my rules.

TO ALL THE ASSHOLES WHO CANT DRIVE:
this pertains to:
1. all the assholes who park too close to me
2. all the assholes who think its ok to be stopped in my lane while im heading toward you at over 50 just so u can make it to the other side faster
3. all the assholes who go under the speed limit
4. all the assholes who sit in a green light looking after their kids
5. all the assholes who talk on the cell phone and think its ok
6. all the assholes who think they own all the lanes on the road
7. all the assholes who freak bc it starts sprinkling
8. all the assholes who own a truck that sounds like garbage truck
9. all the assholes who think i need to listen to their music
10. all the assholes who wait until i fully reverse out of my garage and while im staring at them decide its time to honk
11. all the assholes who park in my lane
WATCH OUT! THE BITCH DONT CARE ANYMORE. U DIE, ILL SEE U IN HELL. IF NOT, ILL SUE UR MOTHERFUCKIN ASS FIRST.

and mr. cone said a joke a couple of days ago, that i should have published but forgot. what!!!!! its the only resonable thing that has come out of his mouth in god knows how long.

adam and God are walking in the garden, and adam says to God "thankyou for making eve, she is a great companion." God says "well adam, i did that so you would love her." adam continues "and she is a great cook." God says "well adam, i did that so you would love her." adam continues "she is great because helps me find branches for the fire." God says "well adam, i did that so you would love her." "but God," adam says " shes not that bright." "well adam," god says " i did that so she would love you."

2003-05-19T21:50:00.000-05:00

QUOTES
while randomly looking thru other ppls blogs, i have thought of a great idea...i know im full of them...why not add a GET THIS! a "quote" on the page...yea i know............a little too obsessed with this very boring and plain and oh so stolen piece of crap yet still i have put in alot of hours doing this. so in turn the search begins. i need a quote. id like all u ppl who randomly hit this site or or those who i force to read my cough *site* all the time to im me. so u have a week from now. ok im me now. so find a SMALL QUOTE. small QUOTE.

2003-05-18T23:19:00.000-05:00

ok when i said im me back with what u think.. i wanted comments like its cool or it sucks. not ohh i cant read it cough *loser* or ohh the background it too dark cough *mahesh* .. u know in case u havent noticed i really havent the vaguest clue what the hell im doin. but thanks anyway ..for all that support.

2003-05-18T23:08:00.000-05:00

ahhh heres my new blog. its really girly and im still trying to fix the clincks yet i kinda like it. u know its wierd and totally not me in some sense but still....chica chica chica.... yo yo yo..what ull think..im me back...

2003-05-04T22:16:00.000-05:00

ALIAS
what the hell was that. what what what. she been dead for two years. what the hell. what is goin on. omg omg omg. that is really freaky. hot and sexy nevertheless. shit man. that is some good stuff. ahhhhh whoa wow. hahahhaha what a magnificent episode. hmmm anyway. shocked and astounded. whoa. appachan keeps staring at me when i talk to dad. he wants to wake up at 530. i dont even know what that time looks like. i think he finally learned who i was. i havent really had a conversion with him. hes stuborn. chachu was telling him how to work the mouse and i was no up and pushed the thing up and he ehh. i was like dude i was trying to help you. so from now on, im just gonna stay away. no chance of a life coming any time soon. life sucks talk to later. bye

2003-05-04T18:52:00.000-05:00

obliviousness and morality
so their here. at first i was positive that he did not know who i was. i doubt that he knows now. but anyway i got in trouble for pouring tea wrong. how many possible ways can u mess up while pouring tea into a cup, you say. oh theres many. 1. u put it in the wrong cup. glass or china. yea who knew. 2. the amount of tea poured into the cup. ehh who cares. 3. how to dispose the tea things. 4. how much sugar must go into it. how was i supp to know. ahhhh im have reached the state of obliviousness. yes my official goal in life. i wonder they notice if im missing tommorrow. hopefully not.

so the moral problem. should i leave to be on my own.
pro:
1. my OWN life---what a dream!
2. expeirence of college
3. NEGINE
4. parties, (me and negine dont need no alcohol.)

cons:
1. no money
2. i will be leaving my parents with a lot of responsibilty
3. constant supply of food
4. constant guilt
5. constant guilt

is sufficing my life for them worth it?
i dont know. need help. grl talk..

2003-05-02T23:08:00.000-05:00

it started off like a rant then a rant on eminem:
hmmm i feel better now. but i need a plan for tommorrow. shit man ap test in a week and i havent started studying for it. what a waste of money. so anyway. all that anger has resulted in nothing but a passive look thru icons and finally settled in some dog. i almost picked a icon of micheal vartan. he is fine and classy and elegant. and WHOA. there was this pic of him between jennifer garners legs. ehh not like that. but she was sitting on a couch and he was the floor and i was like whoa. i want to be him also. that grl is totally pretty. i wish i was her. i mean she was married to scott foley. shit shit shit. fine fine fine. ohhh they totally should hook up. there cuties. so anyway.

what else. is eminem getting over rated.? i think he is. i mean really when he won that emmy, i was like ehhh what? he is a rapper who gets awarded for sexist, racially rude and controversail sayings. in the process he makes billions, does not prevent or fight for the prevention of guns or violence. and then he proclaims that he doesnt know why teenagers and such use the guns to imiatate him. his lyrics have absoutley no impact on the others. no, none at all. (do u sense the sarcasm.) music is just an outlet for those like him. heres an idea. why dont u try to change the world by doing something good. something like asking the kids to vote for a real president and not for this moron. i wonder what his daughter will think and learn. i say shell be on the cover of playboy by 21, and rehab by 17, married to some lame porn actor in his forties at 25. the anne nicole smith of generation x. hey i bet vh1 has already started the bio. ehhh who knows. she might turn into chelsa clinton of generation x.

whoa im listening to iggy pop. hmmm what is he saying? candy candy candy oh oh oh. ehhh boring. ok well later. i think i need to rant about bush pretty soon.

2003-05-02T15:37:00.000-05:00

so anyway. todays been really shitty. i cant go to the movies anymore. stupid mother. ehhhhhhh. man that pisses me off so much. ehhhhh ahhhhh there goes my whole plan of fun weekend. so anyway loser feels really bad. so dont make fun of her. leave her alone. her hair looks cute, though. and the plan to go to unt is ruined like a motherfucker. its 450 a month for each person. i was like ehhhhhh i dont think i can do that. i mean seriously how can i do that? i make like 100 dollars every 2 weeks. and then what. so back to u mother fucking td. ehhh crapnes crapness. anywaysss the grandrents are coming on sunday. i dont think anybody understands how its gonna to be. yea to the whole theres someone to take care of them thing. but i like my space and i hate to share. so no more coming over to my house. no more going out. ill have more shitty rules and actually clean my room and clean the bathroom. and god forbid i come later than 10.00 of a weeknite. shit man. i dont need this. i dont need this. and as always bc im not rich i cant move away. no i have to stay in this fucking house for another year. yeah that sounds like fun. motherfucking fun. fuck this world. i need to finish hw. im still hoping i can go the movies. false dream, i know. i know. screw that im gonna go for a nap. ill wait for another 30 min and do it. ice cream cake, here i come.

2003-05-01T23:31:00.000-05:00

another day has come and gone and i have wasted more moments by surrounding my life with useless things. but hanging out with negine was HILARIOUS. we had too much fun together. god shes hyper. im keep wondering if we room together how much we will learn vs. party. yea me too. she says we will study. she wants to be a doctor, so she needs too. she said that preety soon well be twins. that could(psychotically) happen. except on the way we eat. were both picky yet we like the opposite foods. hahah thats wierd. anyway, we went to see the kickboxing class and shit THERE WERE NO HOT GUYS!!! ehhh who were we goin to impress?? i know........ my typing is slower today, mother has placed yet another wrist bandage on me. hmm last nite.(while i was sleeping) took yesterdays off. today she pinned it on me. i already took it off and then replaced it without the pin. the thing shuts off communication of most of the fingers. i have to do this wierd hand grasp and then relax and then i get some feeling back. ehhh things these days. HAHHA i just thought of something....we were laughing about how at unt we'd be hot and skinny and all these guys would drool over us. and howd wed have a list on the door saying all this stuff...for instance...men must be hot to enter. men must be rich to enter. men must have sculpted bodys to enter. she goes men must be "big", and not body wise either. (according to shawn, 6.9 if average, we need at least a 7.2) it was funny. heyyyyyyyyyyyy no complaints here. i was thinking of having a womens list too. women must not be on pms to enter. women must not be prettier or skinner than me and negine to enter. women must not be stupid to enter. ignorant ppl please leave immeditaley. food is not cheap, we too have to steal from our parents. plz be considerate. do not complain about our seating arrangement, its an arabian theme.(sitting on the floor) so anyway, my cargos will have to wait till another 2 weeks. shit.......whens mothers day.hmmm 11 thats...6 days before my 18th b-day. hmmm man. anyway...i need a job. and i need sleep so laterzzzzzzz.

2003-04-30T16:03:00.000-05:00

ohhh work in 7 min. but a notice to all drivers in the school parking lot. who the fuck do u think u are? serioulsy i dont care if ur a fucking prince of wales, ill go whenever the hell i damn well please. ok moron!!!! shut the fuck up. or next time ill get out of the car and take a fucking horn and wring it around it neck and then u can fucking honk all u want. aite asshole. man! well ok. im supposed to turn in my 2 weeks today. i have officaly run out of time. i know i havent but in my head i was goin to give me only 2 weeks, and now the deadline is here. actually its tommorrow. but still today's the closest. hmmmm 2 min left. ok these are lyrics that i almost cried to when i heard it. its too sweet. older generation but still it touched this bitch. ehh nm i cant find it and im out of time. so well laterz ppl and tell that asshole what i said. i dont know who is he is, he drives a jacked up old white chryster and i think hes black and his horn is like this chicken squawk. ehh MEN!!!!!.

2003-04-29T20:54:00.000-05:00

here to me and cc x-less days, but pondering all the places we could do it. hmmm

2003-04-29T20:46:00.000-05:00

so anyway...already did this once.. but still for the sake of writing and doin something, i must write. hmmm what about u say... i hear my name...hmmmm ohh daddy. ok anyway. im hungry. no suprise there. me and loser went to look for jobs. yeah that ended there. theres no jobs. "werent not hiring but if ud like to fill out an application. here u go." and this one bitch told us that we couldnt fill the form in the store. i was like ehhh SCREW U. man ppl these days. and it was at the willow bend mall..eh figures. goodness. is it true that will has an elevator to go to his room?. seriously now, WHAT!! thats just plain cool with this side of why would u need that other than to show off.....man. hes a cool guy though. funny and cute. so then me and loser had this discussion about if we'd date other races. i think i would expeirment. but rite now any dating would be expeirmenting. ehhhhh spit. at my dating life. god life is a bitch. so then anyway. i totally want to room with neetha. that would be fucking awesome. ohhh yea. i dont think we'd get anything done or anything. but seriously shit. that would be hella fun. hehehehe...ive been trying to think of a name of our place. hmmmm hut....the OHHHHHH the chick hut (talkin about neetha). hahahahahahha thats good man...hella good. i know thats good. and we could have a chick--baby chick on the door. heheheheh. overly excited..man...hmmmmhahha.. ok so anyway. ohhh LOSER thinks im a bad driver ....ehhh HAHAH i know. what u mean. im am. ehhh fuck u. ok so were on the way home. and were in plano and were driving and the signal is coming up and its green. and theres cars that turning from the other side the the right. but they cant see me. and so this guy inches closer, so i slow, and i think hes not gonna go , so i speed, and then he ends up going and im like shit. and then he passes and its cool but the signal turns yellow and really fast turns red. so then im like whoa i stop, and it was stupid bc i was goin to fast and we end up like in the middle of street and im like ehhh ok go. and loser in the meantime is like "OMG OMG im gonna die. ahhh ahhhh ahhhh" she was making all these crying noises. at first i thought she was laughing and then it ended up that she was crying. hahahahah. i was grl shut up! and then she kept telling me that i was a bad driver. EHHHHHH WHATEVER. i think that lady at sonics put something in our slushes. hahahah, what she could have. i noticed somethin. when u give a 20 or a 10 or even a 5 and get a couple dollars back, do u ever look at the change. i dont. im mean i always that its like too rude or whatever. but its my money. man i should. theres was this really hot guy there. its funny when im with loser we always look at hot guys and its like she has a bf and she like ehhh men. and im like ohhh yum. heheheh thats funny. yea but she like luke and there totally cute together. so its cool. but anyway. I LIKE ALL RACES AND WANT TO DATE. hmm that sounds like desperate but as stacy can tell u, i am totally picky and no way would i date some random dude. the guy must be taller than me. must be FUNNY. someone who likes all music. willing deal with some crazy shit(me). and thats it. im a pretty cool gf. do what u want thats what i say...cause ill do what i want to do anyway. ehhh ok time for porn. hahah no ppl NYPD blue. yumm mark paul g.

2003-04-28T22:02:00.000-05:00

breathing----
anerobic reaction.
living on blood
medulla oblongta strip..stop..strip..
jealousy rages filling thru the bitch
why? no one knows.
but i know
its the prodgiy
ill never say
asphyxiation
diabolical. why, this plan is devotional
mesmerizing,
wounding the vultures,
boarding the truth
blue moon sabers the stars
harder, view me, take it, STOP

breathe.
breathe
breathe
thats all i can go.
still here
blue, red, white
stars
again
my magnito,

2003-04-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

huh ok i know i dont have a life. yes i know that. it a fri nite and i am sitting home listening to the 97.1 and just drolling over the pict of J.A. damn that boi is fine. ehhhh men what can u say? yum. haha lol. ok anyways. the prom is tommorrow. and guess where ill be. hmmm at home thinking about my depressing life. i think it will hit me tommorrow. yes tommorrow. when i stand with all of them, then i will realize how sad my life actually is. god what a shame. ehhh anyways what can rant about today. ohh yea the quality level of non-cable tv. it sucks. yes it does. omg ehhh spit. this is what was offered to me. fastlane, star search, most talented kid, what i like about u, greeting from tuson, reba, funniest videos, tom brokaw w/ pres. i had to watch that ....ehhhh spit. what a shame. my life has seriouly not moved up at all. i thought it would. damn loser. WE WERE SUPP TO GO TO THE MOVIES. EHHHH SPIT. so anyways. no one is online. hmmm i wonder why. ok. what am i going to do? tell me. he is in my thoughts again. i hate that. u know what i mean. i am back to the place i tried so hard to leave. ehhh damn it. god what a shame. im ranting, and its stupid. i like him and i cant say anything. i cant do anything. my life officialy sucks. damn it i cant spell. and the worst thing i keep goin back and forth between the guys. what to do. there totally opposite. omg opposite. what can i do? nothin yea nothin. but like in 1 month, i wont see one of them and ill see the other one all the time. so its like god what to do. two man i cant have and two men that i like. what to do. hahah i know. nothing....like always. ok well see u later. how depressing. i guess

2003-04-24T18:29:00.000-05:00

ohhh stace is soo cool, and totally funny. we spen 2 hrs looking at indain actors and hoes who were hot,and john abraham is omg HOT.....YEA HE IS. I dont know if i can change my wallpaper. i cant let go off vin d. im sorry. im sorry. hehehe i think i corrupted the "good" grl. hahah were all bad underneath. i showed her that pic of vin d naked, and she was like OMG. yea baby. nobody resists the power of vin d.

2003-04-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

random stupid things ppl do or said:
1. why do white ppl hate being white but like being red.
2. loser eating her food before she takes off her purse
3. loser spelling kurds, kruds--and then wondering whats wrong
4. mr. cone- "the armenian massacre is"
morgan "why does the supply curve move?"---hmmm
5. ok "can u imgaine us in 20 yrs."---nissy
"yea...wow"
"well be thirty eight"
"stup. ull be 48."
"what"
"ohhhhh"
laughing inside a lot. shes still here.have to be nice. im still laughing out loud.----sorry stacy made me say that!!!!! ---shes denying it now.!!!! i know i know. shes wierd!!!! ok well laterzzzzzz.....

2003-04-24T17:01:00.000-05:00

stacy huh shes so wierdo...hahahhahahahah laughing inside!!!!! hahahah HAHAHAHHA ok no shes so really. ok but seriously have fun y'll. shes normal. ok she is.

2003-04-21T22:17:00.000-05:00

huh nothin really important happened today. mahesh is a freak. yes i knew he was also but what a wierdo. ok so i did tell the wrong ending, but still some ppl (thanks luke) got it. ok well alter

2003-04-20T22:12:00.000-05:00

my blues
my life sucks, da da daa dum. i got no man, da da daa dum. i ate too much (it was good though), da da daa dum. i too much bitch, da da dum. i have to go to school tomm, da da daa dum. i havent started my eco, da da daa dum. i forgot to get namecards for graduate announcements, da da daa dum. i want to go out, da da daa dum. i want to shop, da da daa dum. ohh screw life hahahahahh ok later. HAHAH my joke that no one gets: why do cowgrls walk bolegged.-----cause cowboys forget to take off thier hats.

2003-04-19T23:07:00.000-05:00

pro and cons for workin for BR
pro:
1. cute guys---(not really)
2. discount. hmmm but do i really use it?

cons:
1. stupid ppl
2. managers .ehhhh spit
3. pay SUCKS
4. all my friends are leaving

---ok i kinda still want to work there. ok but WHY am i?? this is what happened today. i get there at 10 and i do restocking. ok SHIT. and that joh kid was there. shut up wierdo. theres was all these wierd silences between us. and that was 10. then at 11:00, i start at the fitting room. it was filled. i cleaned it. its ok. i basically begged everyone to help me clean it out. and it gets done.. thats 1230. i go on break for 30 fucking minutes. i come back and theres clothes everywhere. like falling off the shevles, side to side filled with clothes. and (im depressed bc everyone is fucking annoying me now.) they fucking stick clothes in the room and then ask me about them later. and they dont do shit. later or before, abby and sal come by, and ohh fitting room, gotta clean it up, abby. i was folding shirts. and abby goes. lets clean the fittin room up. but not in a together in heaven voice. like a come here and do it and ill tell u what to do. i was like im folding clothes rite now thanks, in my bitchy fuck u bitch voice.im supp to do all this stuff and all they do is sell. so anyway, im working on taking it out and i was folding shirts and i was putting them back in the fitting room. and sal goes "r u putting them back inside?" yea " "no put them outside" --he says that in a sarasctic, ur stupid voice. ok moron i was goin to do them anyway. now i walk out with the shirts and i see and HEAR him talk about me to wes while im walking toward him. he sees me and he shuts up and leaves. i was like fuck u. i was about to cry. wes was like nissy do u need a break. and i sucked it up and was like no thanks i already got my 30. now this was 2 -3. i clean it up but no compelty, like somewhat and then we get this rush of people and were swamped and ppl start leaving shit ON THE FLOOR. its like i was there fucking maid. so i was like fuck this and asked wes for the break. and he was like ok. so i get there and lisa, mike, collin were on break. we start talking and stuff. and it relieved the pressure. and i got something to drink and it was ok. i started my break at 348 and it was 15 so. i stay there and they all leave and lawerece and i talk and then this ANNOYING ANNOYING thing sound. starts goin off. like annoying. iwas like what is it. what it it. its a phone and its abbys. i call her back and she doesnt come i stayed there till 415. and she didnt come back. and she did and was like who turned it off. and it was funny cause lawernce looked thru her purse and so did wes. but i turned it off. so later i leave and she comes up to me and said this.... i didnt think it was rite that u went thru my purse. its an offence for me. i was like im sorry and i did feel bad and whatever but what do u do when the things is ruining ur break. i just said i was sorry and she left. i apoligized to her again. and the thing is i know it got around. i know it will go further on and eventually everyone will know. but still i ... what to do what to do. i feel bad that i did it. but i never likd her in first place. and i know she didnt like me. so u know just fuck it rite. so OHHH before while i just go on my break sal was there getting off and he was asking us if we had change and someone did. and ramani said to me bye nizer, and sal goes what is that. and she was like its just a nickname and he goes yea i have a coulple of nicknames for her too. not it a slutty way but in that bitch, asshole loser kinda of way. the thing about me is that i was always told to respectful when the person is older so i never say anyhting but if i could i would. then i get back and its just mounting everywhere and i was like fuck this. and just walk around. then jason comes up to me and was like umm can u ring. i love ringin. i really do. so i go and ring. and later he comes up to me and was like can u stay till 530 and i was like can i work cashwrap and he was like yes. so i was like ok what ever. i didnt care. time went by fast. so then at liike 545 wes comes to me and was like hey can u help clean the fitting room, and i was no, i cant sorry, and he gave me this face. i was like sorry, i cant. i just wont.

so i cant do it anymore. im sorry i guess i dont know i was thinkg that i could work on the weekends and stuff. and that way ill still get the discount. hmm i doont know. what should i do. ? anyone. anyone. but as always no one.

2003-04-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

i will not kill my mom. i will not kill my mom. i will not kill my mom. i wil not kill my mom.

2003-04-17T17:34:00.000-05:00

mr. cone " is japan an island" ---while commenting on jaywalk episodes.
morgan- "dead serious?"

kudos, (yes, ppl still use that word) to shawn or sean whoever, the guy that sits next to chris in eco, for PISSING gay- j off. ohhh mannnn was it good. we were grading our quizzes and sean would ask if each ans was acceptable and cone would go "hmmmm no." so gay j got all pissy and was like u dont grade my quiz anymore and gave it too morgan. but in the end (its a painfully long story) mr. cone will end grading the greer quiz. and u know how anial he is!!!!! it became this whole classlong feud between them, gay j. "had his pretty little head" in his hands, with a depressing look on his face. guess who was happy. me. who else? and loser.. but i hate him more. OKAY

2003-04-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

random stupid things ppl have said today:
1. cone- "yea, yea (clasp hands together, tilt head to the left) suddam hussein did try to kill bush senior. yea. huh, (tilt head to the right) those anti -war ppl never tell u small details like that, do they?"
--------from "pissed of american."
a) the only country in the world to have dropped bombs on over twenty different countries since 1945
b) the only country to have used nuclear weapons
c) the only country which was responsible for a car bomb which killed 80 civilians in Beirut in 1985, in a botched assassination attempt, thereby making it the most lethal terrorist bombing in modern Middle East history
d) the us's illegal bombing of Libya in 1986 was described by the UN Legal Committee as a "classic case" of terrorism
e) us rejected the order of the International Court of Justice (ICJ) to terminate its "unlawful use of force" against Nicaragua in 1986, and then vetoed a UN Security Council resolution calling on all states to observe international law
f) us was accused by a UN-sponsored truth commission of providing "direct and indirect support" for "acts of genocide" against the Mayan Indians in guatemala during the 1980s
g) us unilaterally withdrew from the Anti-Ballistic Missile (ABM) Treaty in December 2001
h) us renounced the efforts to negotiate a verification process for the Biological Weapons Convention and brought an international conference on the matter to a halt in July 2001
i) us prevented the United Nations from curbing the gun trade at a small arms conference in July 2001
j) Aside from Somalia, the only other country in the world to have refused to ratify the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child
k) the only Western country which allows the death penalty to be applied to children
l) the only G7 country to have refused to sign the 1997 Mine Ban Treaty, forbidding the use of landmines
m) the only G7 country to have voted against the creation of the International Criminal Court (ICC) in 1998
n) the only other country to join with Israel in opposing a 1987 General Assembly resolution condemning international terrorism
o) country refuses to fully pay its debts to the United Nations yet reserves its right to veto United Nations resolutions
The United States of America.

2. mom- "does china touch the indian ocean?"

3. morgan- "yea yea i understand that." (she said too many and as i tried to keep them in my head, i lost them all.)

in other news, (sorry- tina fey and jimmy fallon), i have determined that cone is stupid. and that blantant disgust of a human should be stripped of all possessions and stuck in a iraqi war camp living with unpurified water and unsanitary conditions, with all his whole collection of ties. i am an avid propent of ppl who know what they were talking about, i invite pro-war questions and debates, but that man shuts off all intellectual communication with others on the basis that he must be right all the time. mr. cone, that is a sorry way to live. and sir, i am not ignorant like the other motherfuckers in that class, dont mess with me. i rather not talk to u just cause i like dreaming about vin d. when u talk, that way ill stay awake. im sure mrs. cone does that too.

2003-04-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

THE LIST-- go here after u have read the first blog----http://www.livejournal.com/users/_vitriol_
ahhh i know u have waited long and hard and its finally here. YES, the people that i hate (annoyed is more like it) for this new semester. so by now u have gotten to know all those who U want to kill (or almost) and now u can make your own lists but now i will make mine and by the way CHER IS FANTASSSTIC
1. pe-
-----a note to fishs- ur not cool--------ur in pe for gods sake!
- the grl who keeps saying "shit, shit, shit, shit" while the coach is staring at her, and think its cool! umm yea NOT
- the grl who screams when the ball is 7 feet away from her. "the ball, the ball, how do i kick the ball" similarly, at a throw in "the ball, the ball, how do i throw the ball in?"
- the grlS who cut into our (me and neetha's) strategic planning to be on the same team
- "dang", for always being high yet still playing better than all of us.
- the invisible men who neetha throws too, re-APPEAR.
2. bio
- gay j- ....................................what?????????????? do i need a reason?
3.
- gay-j- for asking me "nissy, what dont u understand?"--not sarcassticaly either. my internal response--how ur mother could still love u with that face?
- morgan- for thinking im the only anti-war person in the world, and asking me "nissy, do they outlaw antiwar shirts at school? ......nissy?" my internal response---vin diesel and me and some ice cream. mm mm good. WHOS SAYING MY NAME!!!
- carlos- for flirting with her and thinking, yes thinking, that he could get her...he told her that her shoes matched her outfit. when was the last time a "guy" told u that. yeahhhh thats rite.

thats it for now. i will add presuably. ok i cant spell either...stupid "word". raised a generation of spellers who cant spell. sometimes i just forget how to spell "what." stupid or senile? maybe tommorrow!

2003-04-14T20:11:00.000-05:00

MY SONG---for today at least
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

2003-04-14T20:01:00.000-05:00

hermann goering. hitlers reich-marshall at he nuremberg trials after WWII.
-----"naturally, the common people dont want war, but after all, it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag people along whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictorship. voice or no voice the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. this is easy. all you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denouce the pacificsts for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. it works the same in every country."

2003-04-14T00:30:00.000-05:00

actually not. theres nothing more that i can think of than going back to the complex and slashing his tires and spray painting all over his car ..."i am a gay fag, and im a bush jr. suppporter." im sure that will go over very well at monday nites macho man competition and maybe then office slut might think twice before blowing u before that very important meeting and office pool of if ur gay or not will finally end, and they will finally nod and say ohh i always knew he was one of them. oh and by the way, jack wonders if ur busy tonight. hmmmm would u like that? i know i would.
(NO OFFENSE TO GAYS, I LIVE IN TEXAS. I LOVE THEM, I LOVE MEN TOO)

2003-04-14T00:24:00.000-05:00

huh, i feel better now.

2003-04-14T00:07:00.000-05:00

move out of my way-------------------------------ASSHOLE!!---------------------------
before today i have always just thought of other motherfucker assholes who cant drive as a small inconvience in the my path called shitty hell, but now i have changed my mind. yes a note to all those who cant drive...GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok so i had to take my mother to see my sister. apparently theyre in the fighting stage rite now...and mother wanted to reconcile and well she draged me ... so i park outside the complex bc if u park in their complex, u get towed. and it was like slanted and it had 2 spaces let me stress the two spaces part. ok well i did now. i spent an hour watching law and order, and ignoring the wierd silences between my mother and sister and then robin came and then we left. i get to my car and the car parked, car, what the fuck am i saying "car" for, this is a monster truck oh yea MONSTER TRUCK..oh yea one of those motherfucking big trucks and guess where the asshole parks ohh yea next to me. (and thats cool cause this is america, WHICH is free nation).. ok then well im like ok mom get in the car, what are u doin out there...and she goes "theres no room." THERES NO ROOM FOR A WOMAN WHOS 5'0 130 LBS TO GET IN...and...im like...whoa. (the extremity of how close this asshole has parked to me has not reached me) i get in, look at the rear view mirror. for a second im like "i not thinking rite, thats way to close. rite hmmm NO. from my mirror it seems like there about 1 in between my car and his. oh yea 1 in. i get out of my car to check. im sorry there was 3in difference. oh yea 3in.NO KIDDING... thats a difference, i know. his truck is in my lane, hmm like he came in at a tilt, so hes in my lane and his but the butt of his car is at the end of my car, so hes blocking me. as i look at the car, i also realize this, theres no way he (im assuming hes male, bc only men lack brain, and are completly STUPID....let me stress that again STUPID) and have absolutely no concern for the others people (im bitter u say, i say FUCK U)) could get out of his side and well theres not enough for even lisear to get out of that car door.. LISEAR ...he would actually have to get out through his passenger side. yea. this is what NORMAL MEN would think when THEY park this close.(Im GUESSING).---- WELL OK IM PARKED TO CLOSE TO THis CAR, HMMM MAYBE I SHOULD REVERSE AND REPARK BC ITS OBVIOUS THAT EVEN I CANT GET OUT OF MY CAR, HOW WILL THE OTHER PERSON GET OUT THE CAR? AND WELL ALSO IM IN THE OTHER PERSONS LANE AND WELL MAYBE JUST MAYBE THEY NEED TO LEAVE, BEFORE TOMMORROW, AND NOT AFTER I FUCK THIS HOAR AND WASTE 2,000 DOLLARS ON THIS SMALL PUSSY BITCH WITH THIS FAKE DOUBLE D RACK. ..i try and reverse and forward and reverse. and i give up. robin comes and looks at my car and his and goes "shit thats close, nissy watch to make sure i dont hit his car" ohhhh yeaaa im watching...thinking--what a shame if it does?---I DONT GIVE A FLIPPIN FLIP ABOUT THIS ASSHOLE AND HIS FUCKING DAMN CAR!!!!! ok then after 10 min robin gets the car out. AND U HAVE NOOOOOOOOOOO IDEA HOW PISSED I WAS AND HOW CLOSE I WAS TO SLASHING HIS TIRES (dont think i couldnt have done it cause yes i could have, im nice when i have to be, i restrain myself alot from just knocking some of u people out, and when i hate someone THIS much ohhh i could have done it, and more) AND WRITING A NOTE OF PURE HATRED ( that asshole better be happy that my mother and brother in law was there, bc if they werent.ehhhhh i would hate to be u) so i get a paper out and write a simple note. "thankyou so much for parking so close to me. :)." oh yea.even the smile face was there. yea thank the lord it was holy week.

so this is my formal announcement to all the drivers and future drivers of texas and where ever the hell i decide to drive....
TO ALL THE ASSHOLES WHO CANT DRIVE:
this pertains to:
1. all the assholes who park too close to me
2. all the assholes who think its ok to be stopped in my lane while im heading toward you at over 50 just so u can make it to the other side faster
3. all the assholes who go under the speed limit
4. all the assholes who sit in a green light looking after their kids
5. all the assholes who talk on the cell phone and think its ok
6. all the assholes who think they own all the lanes on the road
7. all the assholes who freak bc it starts sprinkling
8. all the assholes who own a truck that sounds like garbage truck
9. all the assholes who think i need to listen to their music
10. all the assholes who wait until i fully reverse out of my garage and while im staring at them decide its time to honk
11. all the assholes who park in my lane
12. all the assholes who ride thier brakes (thanks stacy)
WATCH OUT! THE BITCH DONT CARE ANYMORE. U DIE, ILL SEE U IN HELL. IF NOT, ILL SUE UR MOTHERFUCKIN ASS FIRST.